Frankie from Seminole

Last Friday I was mortified to get a letter from an  incarcerated heroin dealer. He was looking for someone else that use to live with me, but asked me if I would also please  to him. At first I was pissed he had my address & I threw the beautifully handwritten letter away. I looked him up on the Florida inmate website. Don't ask me how I became so savvy...lol....He looks like most white dude inmates.He is bald with tons of tattoos.The tattoos are not of white supremacy, but of peacocks, the Pink Panther, his daughter & fluffy clouds...I got to thinking what got him there? What was his childhood like? Did he come from an abusive home? Did he not spend summers with his best friend by the pool sipping "sweaty pinks" aka Tabs? When he was depressed, did his Grammy take him to the Espana for a Monte Cristo? What if he had a crappy orthodontist ? Can he foxtrot or ride a horse? Did he take the number 7 bus instead of the 21? Everyone knows how traumatizing the number 7 could be, not to mention the terminal!! I still don't know if I am going to write him, I doubt it but I know one thing, I had it pretty good, not perfect but pretty darn good..I'm not going to judge him but if he shows up at my house I am calling the Sheriff ...I'm compassionate not stupid.

Typical LIl !!

Okay, so today I'm walking my dogs & I have my little plastic bags in my pocket.I keep them connected & keep a roll in my pocket. It started to get warm & I took off my hoodie, & wrapped it around my waist. We are walking up the street & it sounds like someone is following me. I turn around & no one is there. We keep walking & Amber has to do her business OF COURSE in someone's driveway.I turn to get the roll of bags out of my pocket & they have unraveled.I wonder how long I was walking my dogs with a SILVER TAIL!!

more Maryisms

Miss Personality-what she would call me after seeing the disdain on my face serving patrons at Surf N Sand..
Crabby Appleton- A grump, or as Derek said one time a Grumpy Bumpyton...lol
Crum Bums..Me & Mere
Devo Rotten Dog sitting on a log...she said that to every dog, especially Metro (she named him that cuz he reminded her of a bus)
American Catholic Princesses-Me & Mere
Not to change the subject but my horse back riding teacher who was a well known a@# hole had a huge crush on Mary...I think a lot of people did & still do..one of the reasons why I fell in love is because he & my mom had a kinship...
One time she came to visit us when Will was a baby.I had to run an errand & I told her to put in Veggie Tales. She's all" what is that"? I'm all "It's vegetables that each morality & religion" ....she looked at me & said "your kidding, right"?...she would also eat all of Will's Halloween candy without remorse...

Maryisims...

My mom is a beautiful & educated woman.She is also really funny. She had her own Urban Dictionary.
Slenderala Slim Jim- Someone who looks great because they have lost weight..
Tactile Defensive-The feeling you get when you don't want anyone to touch you or be in your space..
Sharking- when cats hover because they want to be fed..
Toby Tappy Toes-a dog that makes noise when he walks because of his/her's toenails..
Auditory Overload-when children are just too LOUD!!
Suzuki Ruth-her nickname for my BFF growing up..
Decorative or Functional? -what she would ask my sister & I..What are your plans for today, are you going to be decorative or functional? Most times we were decorative...
More later..she had a ton of them xoxo

Thank God!!

Many times I thought I was done but always went back to the same old crap. I think time does heal all wounds, also I have had some recent events in my life that put things in perceptive. I have been forced lately to care less about myself & more about myself. My point is, I now know that I need to focus on what's important (family, friends, pets, what is the best shampoo for curly hair?) not what is out of my control & toxic. I don't even feel the urge to call & say "good thing your a butt man, cause your going to prison"...no urge whatsoever..none :)

Fashion advice from a woman who has worn the same shorts all weekend...

Don't be uptight about the size of your clothes. Buy something that you love & that fits. You can always cut out the label & later take it to a tailor ( I know a couple of good ones, call me)
I use to hate buying jeans. They never fit except for Jordache in the1980s. Once again I buy the ones I like & it's like $10.00 to get them altered.
Think twice about that HUGE back tattoo...Do you think Pippa has one? Doubt it...
If your running late and/or hungover wear a really low cut blouse & push up bra & no one will look at your face.
I f you are married to a super hot dude or any dude you adore, take care of yourself because being a good mother (awesome) & a skilled cook is great BUT it's always good to have "insurance" & damn woman you deserve it!
More later gators! Smooch!

Gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove.

Okay so back in the day my sister's & my curfew was like 11pm. During the summer we would go out every night. Well, my grandfather who lived next door was always nagging my mother about it.I think he said people would think we were harlots..lol...Anyhow, my mother got sick of it & we had been late a couple times.One evening before we went out she said "if you are even 1minute late you will be grounded for the next few days & you won't be able to go out at night". We agreed & we really kept our eyes on the clock that night. We took the beach way home because we had like 15 minutes to spare. We get to the train tracks which was maybe a block away from the house. Here comes the train...the longest train ever...we were 5 minutes late & we got grounded. We had to stay home that next night with Mom. So we decided to make the best of it & blast Black Dog. About a minute into it my mother came out laughing and yelling GET OUT!!!

Just a Lil more about myself

I actually like peas, lima beans & cilantro..
I cannot stand Scooby Doo (maybe because my mother was a speech & hearing pathologist)
I never ever ever called him "Boo"...
I love lard in my refried beans!
I'm more Rhoda then Mary...
I found out today that William of Wales's surname is Mountbatten-Windsor
I love movies about the 15th century but I don't do fairs where dudes wear tights...
I still well up when I think of my deceased Guinea Pig..
I still well up when I think of my BMW...
Why do we care about those 16 & pregnant chicks?
Why do I have to buy six Genie Bras when I only want one?
I had a big ass slug come out of my garden hose the other day. OMG so GROSS!!
When I imagine what God looks like I always think of Morgan Freeman..

More advice from the "Diff" !

If you really love a pair of earrings & they are not too expensive, buy two pairs in case you lose one.
Grits, cottage cheese & wheat germ make a divine breakfast.
Take a tylenol or vicodin before a bikini wax.A glass wine makes you too relaxed & one needs to be tense.
I can of corn is awesome in cornbread.
Don't eat too many carbs at night.
When you make dinner in a crock pot, make sure it's turned on AND plugged in.
I have no advice about love other then appreciate your family because things change.
More later, boiling potatoes xoxo

Ramble On

Leaves are falling all around, it's time I was on my way (extradition?)
Thanks to you, I'm obliged for such a pleasant stay (I hear Utah is the best)
But now it's time for me to go.The autumn moon lights my way.
For now I smell the rain & with it pain, & it's headed my way(that's not rain you smell & the pain is a kidney stone)
Ramble on,and now's the time, the time is now to sing my song (spare us please)
etc...etc...

Mine's a tale that can't be told, my freedom I hold dear (don't get use to it)
How years ago in days of old when magic filled the air (was this "magic" from Humboldt or Mexico?)
T'was in the darkest depths of Mordor, I met a girl so fair (Mordor needs better lighting & she was pretty drunk)
But Gollum, and the evil one crept up & slipped away with her,her,her..yeah (What? I don't speak gnome or hobbit...whatever..)
I gotta ramble on sing my song...gotta keep searching for my baby...I can't find my blue bird.( good luck with that)

The Immigrant Song

Ah, ah,
 We come from the land of ice & snow (actually I grew up in Santa Barbara but I have been to Tahoe).
From the midnight sun where the hot springs flow( I have a jacuzzi at the condo).
The hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new lands (keep your" hammer" away from my "new land")
To fight the horde,singing and crying: Valhalla, I am coming! (finding a parking place to get to Sephora ?)
On we sweep with threshing oar ( blond outriggers?), Our only goal will be the western shore (do you still have my number?)
How soft your fields of green, can whisper tales of gore (The Inconveint Truth?)
Of  how we calmed the the tides of war.We are your overlords (as if !)
So now you'd better stop and rebuild all your ruins (yeah easy for you to say).
For peace and trust can win the day despite all of your losing.(That's what I'm counting on.. )

Mother Of The Year

I have never had a dog that goes everywhere with me. I like to take mine on short errands etc. Today much to my horror I closed my window when Alphie had his head sticking out. He freaked, I freaked & William was pretty calm...evidently in my state of panic I closed the window even more, locked the window & the door. Thank goodness Wills had a level head & did what needed to be done to fix the situation. I spoke to my sister & said "It was awful, the noise he was making was something I have never heard...like someone was killing him!"
she responded "well someone kind of was"...

Amber & Alphie

Okay so I have these two dogs now. They are so wonderful. I have no complaints other then then the fact that they do their "business" on the sidewalk or street. Why not the ice plant? If someone is walking in the ice plant then they deserve to step in their "deal"...Also they have very precious names & I am not a precious girl.. I'm thinking of changing them to Ambien & Alpha Blocker...I dunno

Walkie walkie!

I have two dogs now. One blond & one red head. It's very nice & I don't have to bring them coffee in the morning or listen to the his theory of what really happened during 911. The only things these dogs have in common with the last dog is big sad brown eyes & they sit down when they pee.

Hey!

Been gone for awhile. I have had a week or so where I had to focus on things other then myself  (sucks but doable). I shall continue my dialog on my adventures soon..xoxo
Lil

Where is that corkscrew!!

You know how they talk about the power of suggestion? Vision boards all that stuff? Some people have gone as far as saying once they hung pictures of happy couples they found their soul mate. I looked around the 800 square foot laundry hamper...I have a vintage Fiesta poster which is two people dancing but they look like brother & sister.The rest of my objet d' art consists of  the Virgin Mary, botanical  pictures, crosses, & Victorian women. Oh I do have a picture of Thomas More & his wife....she is saying goodbye to him before he goes to the Tower of London  prior to his execution... If I don't change my decor, I am going to be a tango dancing nun that likes to garden...

Random thoughts watching Will & Grace...

My luck with men is so bad Andrew Luster wouldn't buy me a drink...
My luck with men is so bad I got dumped an alleged drug trafficker & Daniel Boone in the same month...
When my ex BF picked my son up from school, one of his friends asked "who's the homeless guy?"
My butt is so small if I didn't have boobs I could slide under the door...
My Doctor's actually look forward to seeing me...I'm "easy money" & I make them laugh & I have never been found naked & hiding in a bush...sobbing...lately..jk








..

Keep it real..light salt please

I think George W Bush got a bad rap.Some people thought he was stupid. People who graduate from Yale & serve in the Air Force are not stupid.The one thing that is proof of W's lack of stupidity is his quick wit or as he puts it a quick tongue. When I had a job that required  I make small talk with the public, I would come home  mentally exhausted. I told my friend about it & she told me that it was because I always have so much going on in my head. There is my "kind" perception of people, my "dark" perception of people, what I want to say & what I know I should say. Can you imagine standing at a podium & having a bunch of d bag reporters asking/ barking at you? I would of loved it if he just let loose once! Maybe that's Sarah Palin's problem? There is nothing wrong with saying you can see Russia from your house. If you saw Russia from your house & you lived in Orcutt, that would be a problem. I'm not trying to be political.I was not a fan of Bill Clinton but even my husband who was VERY conservative would say that Clinton would be the kind of neighbor he would enjoy talking over the fence with..I don't care if Obama smokes. Crap, I'd be drinking bloody Mary's every morning if I had that job!!

Good Girl...GOOD Girl

 Good Girl has a level head... GOOD Girl gives level head
 Good Girl dates a prosecutor.. GOOD Girl dates the prosecuted
 Good Girl has junk in the trunk... GOOD Girl has junk in her trunk
  Good Girl cleans up her messes...GOOD Girl makes messes




...

Rat or JRT?

So I had this friend up this weekend to help me around the house. He did some very good work & is pretty type A, but you can't do much when you take 4 naps a day (alone). I had a boyfriend who use to often fall asleep on the couch. When did men turn into cats? When did I turn into a terrier bitch? I want my tennis ball thrown & I want to be walked. Fresh water & Science Diet with a regular "bone"..ruff!

Damn I am interesting...

LOVE Crest 3D Whitestrips with Advanced Seal (I have swallowed more then I care to admit!)
Born Sandals
My Victoria Secret Black card
Heiniken ( I don't know how to spell it!)
The fact that my hair is brown & my eyes (though crappy) are greener then green
Taco Bell, Charlie's & Orcutt Burger
Macy's, Nordies & Saks
Cambria, Fess Parker & Core Wine
Needles
Being kissed by someone I adore..I can not emphasize that enough...
Bavarian Motor Works
Toyota Land Cruisers
Dogs with big hearts & short legs..
Teardrop earrings
Makeup & skin care
My Nuwave oven!!
More later..it will be worth it :)
I don't mention my family because duh! We love each other cause we have to! xxxxoxoxo

What? Can't be!!

Okay so I have been trying to lose weight. I have been watching what I eat & staying active.I even walk to the liquor store & the Olde Towne Market (they have McConells)..I gained two pounds yesterday! I was trying to figure out why?...I had pineapple, a banana, three tootsie pops, two Jack in the box tacos, a Queen Burger from Charlie's, two bloody Marys...stupid banana.

Things Lil Diffy doesn't "get"...

I don't understand what is so great about the Princess Bride..
Crab legs? It is so much work & so messy! Found some in my hair once...I hope it was mine..
Why was God so cruel to create hair loss? People get cold!
Sweat breads.. Really?
Edible bouquets..The only one in my house eating that "thing" would be my guinea pig.
Why won't my son clean his room & watch Marcus Welby MD with me? Wow, a young Jan Michael Vincent..sweet
Blond men don't age well.I have been around more leather then a cowgirl at Jedlicka's on sale day!

Oh, now THAT is something shiny!!!

I had never seen one before. It was so beautiful it made me gasp. It was like a Faberge egg or Judith Leiber Oscar Night handbag..It was a brand new gold BMW!! I would of fallen to my knees but I was driving..not sure what series it was...it was the FABULOUS series...as it drove off & I pulled in to purchase my large diet coke, a car exactly like my red Ford Fusion drove by...well, not exactly...I don't have faded stuffed animals tucked in the corners of my back window..

Guinea Pigs & Sneakers...

 When Snoe' passed I put her in a Converse shoe box, you know they are really narrow? I got some Converse high tops for my son & I almost threw the box away but I kept it for Yumi when her time comes...how sad is that? I'm spending too much time at home. I was outside & the Jehovah Witness ladies are all" Hi Cathy, beautiful day! You working in your garden?" They are so nice...do they drink wine?
It's interesting I have been heartbroken since June of last year. I'm not anymore & I have closure, but not being heartbroken has left a void... It's like I put that part of my life in a ALL*STAR box & the trash man took it away...

How to make soup & influence people!

3 cooked skinless chicken breasts
1can  Chicken Noodle Soup
1 can Golden Mushroom soup
About 3 cups water
2 cans chopped tomato, sweet onion & garlic
2 cups salsa (the kind you get in the refrigerator section)
I can bean sprouts drained
3 cups shredded cabbage
Hefty amount of garlic powder
Table spoon celery flakes
2 to 3 Table spoons chunky peanut butter
Toss it all in a big pot..cover & bring to boil just for a moment...then simmer on low

People are so funny!

I didn't mean to hook up with him...I couldn't find the coffee filters..
I am not passive aggressive. My friends at work gave me a Birthday card that said so..
Officer, I don't think you understand...it wasn't my drinking that caused the accident it was my sleeping.
I know he loves me because he said so.Men don't lie about such things when sex is involved.
Really? I didn't know tailgating was illegal. I just thought I was just being obnoxious?
When telling my shrink I was devastated because my ex BF was in legal trouble she said "what a dumb ass!" I would of taken a different highway!"
Oh how I could go on & I will later..

Wow! Thanks :)

My sister & I grew up as the only children in our family.Christmas morning was spent making quiche & margaritas & waiting for our Great Aunt & Uncle to arrive from the Biltmore..which was like 2 minutes away.Every year it got later & later. For years our Great Aunt & Uncle got us stuff from the Speigel Catalog. Twice they sent us a game called Don't Bug Me...I'm sure it was just an error :) The gift that we REALLY enjoyed was the USA savings bonds!! My sis cracked me up when she said "we would have to wait till 1 o'clock to open our gifts & 7 years to play with them!

The Adventures Of Lil & Sally!

Since I have been a Blogger (I have been called worse) all these memories have come flooding back...My BFF Sally (not her real name but just as WASP or WASC in our case) lived in this beautiful house on an acre in Montecito. Well, she had these neighbors that were just no fun.I'm guessing they had an acre too & it bumped up against Sally's.One day Lil & Sally & another friend who will remain nameless...I think she goes by a number now anyway...had this brilliant idea to drive this friends car across Sally's property & across the neighbors yard to get to the road...of course we got stuck....it was just a field...I had not seen that kind of disdain from those grumps since the Halloween my friends & I dressed up like the Manson family (not the animals that brutally murdered those poor people, just moronic hippies) & they wouldn't give us any candy...some people just need to lighten up..

Things I waste my time thinking about...

Ina Garten's (The Barefoot Contessa) must have the most boring closet ever..
Does Jack from Jack In the Box have a different wife?
How would my life be different if I didn't go to that party in 1979?
How would my life be different if I didn't go to that party in 2009?
How would my life be different if I didn't go to any parties?
What is Charlie the Schnauzer barking about?
That lady at the gym has purple hair! My niece has pink hair but she's like 22 & like cute...
Pajama Jeans? Really?
I don't like Spanx...they make me feel like Pilsbury cookie dough..
Should I finish the Hagen Daz or the chicken? Both!!

Me me ME!!!

I always wanted to be an actress but I don't like plays..The only thing worse then watching one is being in one...
 Mexican food is the best especially off a truck!
I often hang with guys that are prettier than I am...lol
Taylor  Swift is kind of strange looking...not in a bad way...just strange...
All I ever cook is meat & vegetables..wait, I made Tator Tots Oscar Night..
I loved the show Family & I liked the fact that the mom was cool but not warm & fuzzy...
My ears are lopsided..I always wear sunglasses that cover my eyebrows..
My vanity is legendary but I don't have a Trout Pout or Made In Goleta's...rather get my vision fixed
I don't have a tattoo & I only have one hole in each ear...My mom & I got our ears pierced the same day..she waited till she was 40 because in her day only "cheap" girls had pierced ears..
My sister is the smartest person I know & my dad started college (Cornell) at 16..
Everyone on my side of the family is quick witted...even the Terrier/Whippet mix had a tude..
People think I'm a crappy driver..
More to come...my chicken is calling!

I know the song is about me....

Okay, so last summer I was laid off & dumped by an alleged Glaucoma medicine trafficker. I gained ten pounds drowning my sorrows in wine & Jack &The Box tacos....funny how things work...I have lost almost all of the 10 pounds & yes I miss my friends from work but I no longer miss Mr.Green Jeans.Does that make me vain? Oh yeah...I'm so back!!

Sweet & Sticky!!

So as you all know, I lost my beloved Snoe on Tuesday.I finally felt better yesterday because my son was so ill
 & I was so worried about him.We went to the Doctor & he has the flu & a sore throat...the Doc wrote up some prescriptions...today when I gave him his cough syrup some dripped off the spoon &  I licked it off my hand...I'm not wasting perfectly good Codeine..Who does that?

The Doctor will see you now :)

I am in such a funk...My son is sick & I have a lonely guinea pig...I'm taking my son to the Dr. today. It's a group of three brothers.. Dreamy, Crazy & Crabby...We are seeing Crazy today...he has a mullet & he stares at me when he should be staring down my son's throat...lol....I think he's cool...I know what your thinking...crazy dude with long hair would be perfect for Lil...too bad he's married...OH SHUT UP!!!!!

Lil's Favorite Things Part One...

Finding a Xanax on the ground..lol
Whole Lotta Love ( the song!)
Bonnie Hunt & Cameron Crowe movies
Gossamer
Yellow Porches- like a M&M
Words
Scrabble with Mere
Beauty products
Beanies
Guinea Pigs & Terrier dogs (gnarly combo)
Finding a Diet Pepsi in the back of the fridge
Gold sandals & golden boys
Bohemian tops & skinny jeans
more to come..running out of power xoxo

Yeah,,,I'll get right on that...

Today I was talking to a family member & she had the blues. She is feeling depressed because she buried her mother 8 years ago & she's missing her.Why must we be so burdened with pain when people leave us? Why can't we just "move on ?". I hate it when someone says "you need to get over it"...DUH...you don't think I want that? You don't think I would "get over it" if I could? You think I enjoy getting Christmas cards from Pfizer!! Well, I do want that & if I could flip a switch to make me feel better I would!!! Truth be told the card was kind of pretty...had like holly & stuff...

Snoe 2008-2011 RIP

Today I woke up to a sick teenager & a deceased guinea pig. Yes I know what many of you are thinking "it's just a glorified gopher (not the teenager) blah blah". Well, I beg to differ...they have incredible personalities more so then rabbits..they coo, they chat, yell & when they are happy they jump! I think when someone's pet dies they always think they could of done more to help them....She was a wonderful companion. I know your not suppose to humanize your pets but she was an oblong Barbie ( I guess that would be dollanizing?) & I will miss her tons...She died with her sister by her side & I hope painlessly..I'm sad :(

Arcady anarchy..

 One time I was with my BFF & we were babysitting at her neighbor's house..maybe we were house sitting..I don't know...we did a lot of sitting...I think the neighbor was a dentist...he had a modern house & a swimming pool with black tile so you couldn't see the bottom...anyway, he had hired some cute boys from a local boy's  Catholic boarding school to do yard work...We were lounging poolside & one of the boys stepped into a hole & mowed over his foot with the power mower...so gnarly...it went through his tennis shoe & there was blood everywhere...we had to call 911 & the ambulance took him to the hospital...I hope he's okay & that he fully recovered, from messing up his foot & the Catholic boarding school...

Lil Facts about Lil Diffy!

Falls down the stairs stone cold sober on a first date in front of Jamba Juice at noon...
Had a bikini wax that made her look like Hitler..
Almost broke her nose jogging...
Almost broke her nose playing tennis..
Knows for a fact that deviated septum does not grant you a nose job..
Had a pigeon land on head while walking the dog with her sister..
Was standing outside a bar texting when a guy came up to her & said "Your much thinner in person then your MATCH.com photo"..
Drove through a chain at work in her BMW 330i in front of like 100 people..
Thinks Titanic is a lame movie & thinks it's BS that the old lady threw the diamond in the ocean..
Likes her men like her brownies, blond & not too gooey..not too nutty either...
Is not bipolar or crazy, she knows this because she has asked...

Dude, scoot over!

I was in Planned Parenthood once because I didn't have health insurance & I thought it would be cheaper, it wasn't...When I first went to make an appointment there was a man asleep on the lawn & I pretty much had to step over him to get to my BMW .Even though it was the standard exam all women get I was mortified by what may lie ahead for me. My good friend Lisa went with me & even took me out for a burger beforehand :) Picture this ...we are sitting in the waiting room, a room that that reminded me of the DMV  but with bullet proof glass & a TV. Lisa is sitting next to me with her really long legs stretched out before her, arms folded & watching the TV that is nailed to the wall. I am sitting there with my denim skirt, fake & bake tan filling out my info on a clipboard. As I sat  horrified because I almost put the pen in my mouth.,one of the women on TV announces "last night I accidentally slept with Sebastion!!"...Lisa looks at me & says "OMG..who sleeps with someone "accidentally?!!"...I'm like "I dunno, most of the people in this room?"

Twiddly Dee!!

I went to my therapist in tears saying "I'm such a cliche, I'm an unemployed widow & single mother who's ex boyfriend is in legal trouble! She said "Lil, in all my years I have met a lot of people & that is not normal therefore you are not a cliche...then I asked "what if I get a Confederate flag?

Hot sauce?

Those of you who know me know this story..
 So I have this friend who is super cute & super fun....a free spirit who like a lot of people our is adjusting to being divorced etc..So, one night he calls & announces that he is on his way up to see me & William & help me with some stuff I need done around the house...it's like 10pm? So around 11pm he calls me from Jack in the box which is like a block away...I give him directions & ask him to bring me a taco...I wait & I wait until it's midnight.. I go outside, look down my driveway & across the street I see a sheriff & they have a truck pulled over...I walk up to them & their all "Mam can we help you?" I'm all "I'm waiting for a friend & he's super late"..Their all "what's his name?" I tell them & they say "he's under arrest for drunk driving"..I'm all "can' you just let him go & he can walk across the street to my house?" "no, Mam he's under arrest for drunk driving." "can I talk to him?"" no, Mam he's under arrest for drunk driving."
The next day I'm sitting in the Sheriff's station in my black sundress & strappy sandals, waiting for his release & thinking "god, I could use that taco right about now...

Sorry?

I don't know if it's because I'm Catholic or insecure but I think everything's my fault...I hear a horn honk & I think I ran a red light...my former shrink stopped practicing & became a financial planner, I was sure it was something I said..I imagined him thinking "Oh god, please make her lips stop moving!"...anyway, I have tried not taking the blame & listening to the people that say things to me like "your too hard on yourself, you have been through a lot" or "don't worry you're not going to hell, he's the one that's married"....Well bottom line is that we all make mistakes & no one is perfect except for Jesus Christ, oh yeah  & his mom too :)

More Lil Facts..

I'm pretty good a multitasking, just today I touched up my roots while cleaning the guinea pig cage and I had started a load of wash...My problem is I find everyday tasks so mundane, but I'm sure if I had "help" I'd be just as bored but with a clean house.I think one my first memories is of being bored ... no wait there was  that one nanny that use to beat her charges with her sandal...my sister & I would be sitting on the grass looking at them, then each other & saying the toddler equilavent of "OMG & WTF!"

.

On & on & on to the next one!

So I'm driving around with one of my buds & I asked her to make a call for me...I don't have a Blue Tooth...She starts looking at my contacts & turns to me & says "you have someone named Douche in your contacts!" I'm all "oh believe me there are a lot of D Bags in my contact list"...she's all "want me to delete him?" I'm all "yeah sure".. I memorized the #...she deletes it & it goes to the next contact. looks at me & says "please tell me Dick is short for Richard"....

You couldn't just give her money for gas?

I have this friend.She is a really good woman, salt of the earth. This gal lives for her husband & sons. She was an educator for years & is just someone that you can always count on. A very nuturing soul....She reminds me of the mom in my Big Fat Greek Wedding & Mrs. Faulker.
One morning she happily walks into her son's room, he must have been early 20's with his laundry neatly folded & smelling of  Downey Lavender. Much to her shock her son is in his bed with a sleeping girl .Horrified she bolts & runs into the kitchen.. Her son comes running out with a towel wrapped around his waist & says "Mom I'm really sorry!" She has her back to him & says very calmly " it's okay, I'm just really embarrassed, who is she?"he says" I don't know her name, she gave me a ride home." she closes her eyes & says to him "you don't know her name.." He says" but Mom she gave me a ride home?" she slowly turns around , looks at him & says "SO YOU HAD TO F#@K her"!!!! I'm pretty sure she knocks now

The Girls

Those of you who know me know that I am a guinea pig enthusiast.I have two pigs. Yumi is a black silky & Snoe (Snowy) is an albino silky.People that know these charming creatures know that when they want something they ask LOUDLY! The other day Yumi was squealing but not loudly. It was like she was talking to me. I wonder what she was saying? Maybe," Snoe &  I love you & William & appreciate the great care & love you give us. We know bell peppers are pricey but you still manage to get them for us when they are on sale"....In truth she was probably saying "get a job, we are both sick of  you , Grey's Anatomy & that outfit makes you look like a tube sock stuffed with pellets & what's with the pigtails, you're what 90?"

Lil

What a day or was it.?

I'm trying to write everyday & I apologize If write the same stuff on Face Book.It's hard enough to make one life interesting let alone have two... Today was a good day.GREAT chicken sale at Albertson's, perfected my low cal Margarita mix & had a DIVINE hypnosis session...I was watching Secretariat & my son who is not a huge horse movie fan, unless they are armed, walked in & asked "did the Receptionist win?".My kid is so Boss!!
I actually spoke to the mega hot produce guy today. He told me where I could find the lemon juice...We have bee making eye contact for years at 6am when I look like a homeless women.
Love ya, mean it...Lil Diffy

Did I brush my teeth?

You know that scene in Arthur when Dudley Moore breaks up with Liza Minnelli & her father is crying? That was my dad when he found out I was laid off...lol.. Being unemployed sucks. I have decisions to make every day. Like, do I even bother & send my resume?  Do I wear the leopard pajama bottoms or the ones with monkeys? Is today a shower day?
When I lost my job I was bummed. I loved ,my co-workers, the owners, the breathtaking beauty of the roses & the winemakers.....
I would like to get back in the wine business but I have been thinking of other careers. I thought of working the cosmetic counter at Macy's...can't you see the matriarchs of Santa Maria with smokey as I like to call it Russian Prostitute eyes? No offense  to any Russian prostitutes that may be reading this :)
A friend suggested becoming a 911 dispatcher...I'd be like "Holy S@#t are you KIDDING ME!" Oh yeah, sorry...um just stay in the closet K ?..CRAP!! oh no you'll be fine, I just got taco sauce on my pants..Do you think I should put cold water on it right away?"

Bye for now...time for me to start my day...BTW it's leopard
Lil

whatever

I'm just chillin watching some lame show...they have show a about storage units?..I hate being unemployed..it's so draining...Me, Me all the time!! Boring...I'm so over myself...anyway...xoxo talk to you tomorrow :)

Dr. Diffy is in..

Don't eat, drink or buy anything unless you really think its worth it. That counts for sex too..
Don't get involved with a married person. Everyone involved will get hurt, besides it's really hard to find a payphone let alone one that works..
Don't drink & dial or text. Even though they may deserve it, you will wake up mortified..
My philosophy on  younger men is this...If you are young enough to have come out of me, you are not getting back in :)
If you commit a felony, make sure it's in Utah...they have sheets!!
Don't suffer fools unless they are really cute...

That's it for now. I hope you found my advice helpful..

A little about me..

As I sit in the bedroom of my 800 square foot laundry hamper. I ponder. I ponder a lot about my life & what the future holds for me, my son & Cammile Grammar, the usual stuff...Hmm what do I want to talk about? Let's start with my love life or lack there of. I promise I won't bore you too much with it. I'm even sick of thinking & talking about it..
I have been in love twice in my lifetime. One died & the other one may be headed for prison.The last guy I dated got a DUI in front of my condo.I'm thinking of getting a warning label.So I have decided to take a break from men. I liken dating to a job interview with wine.It seems to me that all the single men I know are in some kind of transition. They have nothing, yet so much baggage to carry it around in?
I gotta go. My son must be awake.I hear his grenade launcher.

Thanks for stopping by
Lil