On & on & on to the next one!

So I'm driving around with one of my buds & I asked her to make a call for me...I don't have a Blue Tooth...She starts looking at my contacts & turns to me & says "you have someone named Douche in your contacts!" I'm all "oh believe me there are a lot of D Bags in my contact list"...she's all "want me to delete him?" I'm all "yeah sure".. I memorized the #...she deletes it & it goes to the next contact. looks at me & says "please tell me Dick is short for Richard"....

You couldn't just give her money for gas?

I have this friend.She is a really good woman, salt of the earth. This gal lives for her husband & sons. She was an educator for years & is just someone that you can always count on. A very nuturing soul....She reminds me of the mom in my Big Fat Greek Wedding & Mrs. Faulker.
One morning she happily walks into her son's room, he must have been early 20's with his laundry neatly folded & smelling of  Downey Lavender. Much to her shock her son is in his bed with a sleeping girl .Horrified she bolts & runs into the kitchen.. Her son comes running out with a towel wrapped around his waist & says "Mom I'm really sorry!" She has her back to him & says very calmly " it's okay, I'm just really embarrassed, who is she?"he says" I don't know her name, she gave me a ride home." she closes her eyes & says to him "you don't know her name.." He says" but Mom she gave me a ride home?" she slowly turns around , looks at him & says "SO YOU HAD TO F#@K her"!!!! I'm pretty sure she knocks now

The Girls

Those of you who know me know that I am a guinea pig enthusiast.I have two pigs. Yumi is a black silky & Snoe (Snowy) is an albino silky.People that know these charming creatures know that when they want something they ask LOUDLY! The other day Yumi was squealing but not loudly. It was like she was talking to me. I wonder what she was saying? Maybe," Snoe &  I love you & William & appreciate the great care & love you give us. We know bell peppers are pricey but you still manage to get them for us when they are on sale"....In truth she was probably saying "get a job, we are both sick of  you , Grey's Anatomy & that outfit makes you look like a tube sock stuffed with pellets & what's with the pigtails, you're what 90?"

Lil

What a day or was it.?

I'm trying to write everyday & I apologize If write the same stuff on Face Book.It's hard enough to make one life interesting let alone have two... Today was a good day.GREAT chicken sale at Albertson's, perfected my low cal Margarita mix & had a DIVINE hypnosis session...I was watching Secretariat & my son who is not a huge horse movie fan, unless they are armed, walked in & asked "did the Receptionist win?".My kid is so Boss!!
I actually spoke to the mega hot produce guy today. He told me where I could find the lemon juice...We have bee making eye contact for years at 6am when I look like a homeless women.
Love ya, mean it...Lil Diffy

Did I brush my teeth?

You know that scene in Arthur when Dudley Moore breaks up with Liza Minnelli & her father is crying? That was my dad when he found out I was laid off...lol.. Being unemployed sucks. I have decisions to make every day. Like, do I even bother & send my resume?  Do I wear the leopard pajama bottoms or the ones with monkeys? Is today a shower day?
When I lost my job I was bummed. I loved ,my co-workers, the owners, the breathtaking beauty of the roses & the winemakers.....
I would like to get back in the wine business but I have been thinking of other careers. I thought of working the cosmetic counter at Macy's...can't you see the matriarchs of Santa Maria with smokey as I like to call it Russian Prostitute eyes? No offense  to any Russian prostitutes that may be reading this :)
A friend suggested becoming a 911 dispatcher...I'd be like "Holy S@#t are you KIDDING ME!" Oh yeah, sorry...um just stay in the closet K ?..CRAP!! oh no you'll be fine, I just got taco sauce on my pants..Do you think I should put cold water on it right away?"

Bye for now...time for me to start my day...BTW it's leopard
Lil

whatever

I'm just chillin watching some lame show...they have show a about storage units?..I hate being unemployed..it's so draining...Me, Me all the time!! Boring...I'm so over myself...anyway...xoxo talk to you tomorrow :)

Dr. Diffy is in..

Don't eat, drink or buy anything unless you really think its worth it. That counts for sex too..
Don't get involved with a married person. Everyone involved will get hurt, besides it's really hard to find a payphone let alone one that works..
Don't drink & dial or text. Even though they may deserve it, you will wake up mortified..
My philosophy on  younger men is this...If you are young enough to have come out of me, you are not getting back in :)
If you commit a felony, make sure it's in Utah...they have sheets!!
Don't suffer fools unless they are really cute...

That's it for now. I hope you found my advice helpful..

A little about me..

As I sit in the bedroom of my 800 square foot laundry hamper. I ponder. I ponder a lot about my life & what the future holds for me, my son & Cammile Grammar, the usual stuff...Hmm what do I want to talk about? Let's start with my love life or lack there of. I promise I won't bore you too much with it. I'm even sick of thinking & talking about it..
I have been in love twice in my lifetime. One died & the other one may be headed for prison.The last guy I dated got a DUI in front of my condo.I'm thinking of getting a warning label.So I have decided to take a break from men. I liken dating to a job interview with wine.It seems to me that all the single men I know are in some kind of transition. They have nothing, yet so much baggage to carry it around in?
I gotta go. My son must be awake.I hear his grenade launcher.

Thanks for stopping by
Lil